Forgiving Yourself and Moving Forward
In case you didn't notice, I missed a post last week. While I felt terrible about it, I was simultaneously losing my mind preparing for my master's oral defense that I (once again) procrastinated on. Last week was definitely a set of lows for me. I forgot how it felt to almost be falling apart since I thought I had everything together this semester. I completely blame my procrastination habit for this—it’s something I need to deal with… eventually…
Jokes aside, I plan to break this habit, and I will make a series of posts detailing the highs and lows of the process. (Here’s my outer accountability to make this change.) Anyways, having been on a roll for so long in terms of my fitness and nutrition, I naturally have felt incredibly guilty about the choices I made. Despite my optimism in most of the advice I give, it was very hard for me to apply that to myself. So, this post is to candidly express what I went through, why I should forgive myself, and ways you can do the same. Please feel free to skip over the long story of my mistakes if it doesn’t benefit you!
So what happened?
The day was Monday. I was riding my post-recital high and feeling on top of the world. I had managed to only think about the recital for the four weeks prior, and despite having one of my oral exam questions a few weeks ago, I made the irresponsible choice to keep pushing off that preparation. In my defense, I did at least start outlining some talking points. Now that it was five days away, I sat down to begin making progress and quickly realized my mistake—the exam was a lot more work than I thought. But, I still had to make time for the 4 mile run I had planned, and of course I had to go grocery shopping for an hour and a half right after my therapy session. When I got home, I had to make myself a nice salad for lunch and take my time to eat it in order to properly fuel the research I had yet to begin. Once done with lunch, I finally started to relentlessly search for articles on the topic, spending hours reading materials until I remembered that I actually had a class to attend and a lesson to teach. I reassured myself that I had the evening, but after I had dinner, I ended up called for a last-minute meeting. Although it wasn’t required, I decided that I "had the time" to go. I totally had plenty of time with three more days left! There went two hours of my actual time, and then the thinking of what was discussed took up several more hours of focus. Suddenly, it was time for bed and I had read only three articles and barely even touched the outline.
Total hours spent on Monday trying to work: 5
Total hours spent actually working: just under 1
Then, it was Tuesday. Tuesday mornings are always devoted to my strength workouts. I set out to do one but was called into another last-minute meeting to discuss Monday night’s last-minute meeting. I again had the opportunity to say no, but I had some time! I could work on my oral exam stuff once that was over! Two hours went by in the meeting, and it was time for me to make an omelet for brunch. Then, I forgot about my appointment with my dietitian and my composition lesson right after that. When I was almost in the clear. I was asked to have another Zoom meeting. And then, I once again didn’t exactly remember another lesson I had to teach. Did I also mention there was a rehearsal that evening? Tuesday was shot, and knowing that I had to do all of that work, I couldn’t fathom cooking dinner. I warmed up a microwavable meal, but that wasn’t enough. I ended up "supplementing" with a pint of Halotop and half a bag of kettle corn (#health). Luckily, I was able to read several articles and get one of the question outlines done, so not all was lost.
Total hours spent on Tuesday trying to work: all of them?
Total hours spent actually working: 4
Wednesday came, and I was sure it was going to be different. It was. I was able to immediately get out of bed rather than sit around contemplating whether it was worth moving for half an hour. I skipped my run because it was “too cold” and instead managed to drag myself to do 30 minutes on the exercise bike. I started off the day with a quick breakfast and then got right to work. I was proud of how much progress I was making. I felt like I was nearly done by the end of the morning, but it was too good to be true. I had asked one of my friends who graduated last year how his oral exam went, and he mentioned the number of PowerPoint slides he made. Surprise! I had no idea I needed to make a PowerPoint presentation to go along with my questions. I opened a blank template and started to put them together, but at that point, I felt defeated. And before I completely thought about it, a friend asked if I had time for a walk, and I enthusiastically said yes. Any excuse to not think about my preparation failures! Also, a walk could potentially help me focus later in the day! So, an hour of practicing and 2 hours of walking later, I returned home to work on my nearly empty PowerPoint slides that I didn’t even have most of the information for. As I slaved away researching, hypothesizing, and writing for a few hours, I realized I hadn’t even thought of dinner yet. For the first time in a long time, I decided to experiment with the new innovations of food delivery technology. I just had to see how easy it had become to have fully formed meals arrive at my door. It was much easier to part with my money than I had remembered. Luckily, I was able to make thoughtful food decisions, settling for Korean spicy chicken and beef japchae. I also almost stopped myself when I was full, but not before feeling called to have more kettle corn. After all, I was so productive that I deserved it! Thankfully, my hour-long dinner was the perfect break to my studying. I was able to return to the computer and fully concentrate on completing one and a half presentations.
Total hours spent trying to work on Wednesday: 7
Total hours spent actually working: 3.
Finally, it was Thursday. There were less than 24 hours left before I had to give the oral exam presentation. I woke up and sat in bed for a while before finding a way to fully get up. Then, I had no energy to do my strength workout. I almost skipped it, but I kept telling myself just to get through the next exercise until I had finally managed to complete the whole workout. Immediately after finishing, I started working. I had a rehearsal and my final lesson later that day, so I wasn’t free to procrastinate (not that I was before). Although I felt bad about it, I had to accept that I wouldn’t be able to get a blog post done last week.
I was able to nearly finish each presentation that morning with exception to a slide or two on each. Between my rehearsal and lesson, I decided to get a protein shake because I hadn’t preplanned for lunch while out of the house for several hours. It wasn’t an unhealthy choice necessarily, but my wallet sure felt otherwise. I decided to take a walk and talk to my mom about how stressed I was and the way I felt like my habits were falling to the wayside. She consoled me (more on this later), and that conversation gave me the positive energy necessary to be productive when I got home. Dinner that evening was leftovers from the day before with a whole pound of roasted asparagus I decided to “stress eat.” And as usual, I found myself with kettle corn again that night. I was able to mostly finish everything. It was well into my quitting-time hours, but I had no choice if I wanted to feel secure. I stopped around 10 with a plan to use the next morning to wrap everything up.
I did, and I aced it!
Why my mistakes were ok.
That was my week! And it was definitely not my best. While I was able to make some good food decisions and get myself to work out, it was a true struggle. It made me realize that while I write these posts about how to get around common stumbling blocks to live your healthiest life, it isn’t always possible. I was upset with myself for a while. Why was I making terrible food choices and not enjoying my workouts? And why was it so hard to hit my 10k step goal? Wasn’t I supposed to be above that at this point? Would I end up rebounding and regaining all my lost weight? My conversation with my incredible mother was able to get me out of those thought patterns.
“There’s a season for everything. What matters is that you can return to normal when that’s over.”
That statement hit home. I realized that it was only a phase in response to the high levels of stress caused by my chronic procrastination. Yes, it happened, and unfortunately there is never a way to rewrite the past. All I could do was move forward. Feeling guilty about something I couldn’t change was a waste of my time, so I decided to forgive myself. It’s ok to have bad times, but it’s not ok to use them to define yourself. As Gretchen Rubin often says, “What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.”
Allowing yourself to forgive and forget (or learn)
Forgiving yourself is much easier said than done, but it is necessary to do in order to remain mentally healthy. Here are a few things to keep in mind to help:
1. Nobody’s perfect
When going through a bad time, it is easy to forget that everyone has their moments—especially with social media personas comprised solely of self-selected photos and stories (see my post from January that goes into a little more depth on this). But, everyone has their moments! You’re not alone, and I hope my detailing of my imperfections can help you to accept this better.
2. There was probably a reason
Whenever you go through something difficult, your body reacts to the stress in different ways, such as impacting your thought process, hunger and fullness cues, or motivation. The body’s stress mechanisms were not designed to handle the small chronic stresses that we experience throughout the day, rather it was to prepare for famine or being attacked by a predator. The fight-or-flight response we have sometimes manifests inappropriately, and you have limited control over what you do. Work to accept that this response may be what your body needs at a specific time and that you are doing yourself a favor by honoring it.
3. You can try again tomorrow, next week, or even next month
Poor decisions made over one day or week do not need to have a significant impact on the future. Every day is a new day, and the longest day is only 24 hours. Accepting that things happened and not allowing that to discourage you from your goals is an incredible part of growth.
4. More probably went right than you remember
In even the worst situations, there are a few things that have gone right. Unfortunately, the brain’s negativity bias likes to focus on what went wrong. Even something as simple as getting up in the morning is something that went well. For me, it was realizing that I still made better choices than I would have in my past.
5. What can you learn?
Every negative situation is an opportunity for learning. Adopting a growth mindset to look for points of learning rather than focusing on negative consequences is important in accepting what happened and moving on. From my experience, I (again) learned the consequences of procrastination, and I was able to tune in enough to learn how my body reacts to prolonged stress.
Additionally, while not a bullet, I also want you to think of self-love. If you wouldn’t get that upset with your hypothetical child about a similar situation, why are you getting so upset with yourself? People tend to treat themselves worse than they would ever treat others. It’s very hard to get over, but practice caring for yourself like you would another person.
I hope my experience and tips can help you move forward from your mistakes. You’re more than capable of overcoming your struggles to live your best life. If this post resonated with you, please let me know, share, and subscribe. Next Thursday, I’ll come at you with a guide to fat loss and muscle growth for those who may want to shape up before returning to "normal" society.