It’s OK To Not Be OK
Well, here we are in 2021. I’m remembering my last blog post in which I announced that this blog would become a regular thing… As I am making this next post 6 months later, I now admit that that was definitely not the case, BUT, I have more blog post ideas now and have made a resolution to post at least monthly for the year of 2021. Feel free to send me a message or email if I’m not delivering on this promise!
Anyways, let’s talk about mental health right now.
It’s ok to not be ok.
We’re almost a year into this pandemic, and suddenly it seems as if things are returning to normal and everyone is adjusting to the changes. I, however, have not been great at doing so. Despite me trying to convince myself that everything was fine, I realized a few months ago that I had been hit by a powerful and stubborn wave of depression. I have read numerous self-help articles and have followed the advice. Each day, I’m exercising for at least an hour, practicing yoga, prioritizing sleep, and eating healthfully, but each day it seems to grow harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. Each day, it grows more and more difficult to focus on practicing for my looming DMA auditions or completing the day’s tasks. I haven’t been active online recently. With full transparency, it’s in part because viewing the constant posts of what seems like everyone else thriving through this time filled me with dread and a surprising amount of jealousy.
"Where did the creative energy I had at the beginning of the pandemic go? Why can everyone else form and complete these amazing projects while I’m alone in a house just fighting to get out of bed each morning?"
The selective representations of people’s lives on social media did not hit me until a conversation with a friend from college the other day.
“You seem to be doing so well with all the stuff you’re doing!” they remarked.
I actually laughed aloud to myself because that statement was so far from the truth. Rather than my true thoughts of, “LOL I’m actually falling apart right now!” I responded honestly about how I was fighting a battle with my depression. And to my surprise, they admitted to feeling similarly too.
After that conversation, I went through the few posts I had made over the last few months. I was suddenly aware that I selected only the highlights of my life to share with the world, hiding the dark cloud that has taken over my mind. Finally, I put the connection together that if I was that effective at hiding this, others must be too. So, here I am, writing to be my authentic self and say that I’m not doing well right now, and to all of you who are in a similar situation, you are not alone.
Right now, it is ok to not be ok.
The illusion given by some people’s pandemic fatigue has made it seem as if things are “normal” and we should have adjusted by now, but nothing is normal and adjustment is relative. The case numbers in the US are higher than ever, concert venues are still closed, ensembles are hardly a thing, it is still not advisable to eat at restaurants, we wear masks whenever we go to the store, most people are isolated in living spaces with few people to interact with, and let’s not get started on politics. Pretending that we should all be adapting and still thriving is a misguided way of looking at this situation. Yes, we have been in this for almost a year, but no, that does not warrant the same level of expectations that would be held in normal society.
I am writing this partially to convince myself that I’m not alone and that my depression is justified (I know it is because it is an actual illness), but I am also writing this to hope that my experience can offer a sigh of relief to someone reading this who has also been struggling with feeling alone. It is important to acknowledge and accept your feelings—fighting them off will only create stress. The only reason it has been so difficult to accept negative emotions is because of society’s subliminal message that we should only have positive interactions. Each time someone asks me how I am, and I respond honestly, there is a moment of bewilderment: Did she actually respond with something other than “good?”. When I notice the distress and panic in their eyes, I jump to save them with a nervous laugh and the words, “I’ll get through it” because I always do.
Everyone is fighting their own battles. Some of you, like me, are experiencing levels of clinical depression, anxiety, and/or imposter syndrome that make things potentially seem worse than they truly are. There are people who are losing loved ones, their jobs, and their lives may be falling apart around them. Some of you may actually be thriving in every area of your lives right now, in which case, great! But, as most of us are fighting our own demons, I would like to encourage you to reach out to someone—to see how someone is truly feeling beyond the façade they may present to the world. I would also like to encourage you to be honest with at least yourself about how you are.
Remember, it is still ok to not be ok. You are not alone.
As this blog will partially become a health and wellness blog in the next few months, (Since I’m currently working on a personal training certification!) I want to end with some suggestions on how to potentially feel somewhat better. Taking these actions has lightened the weight of my negative emotions so that I can function to my best ability. I will dive more into ways to incorporate this into your busy lives in future blog posts!
1. Limit your social media. While it seems more important than ever, social media can also make you feel more anxious than ever. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of people’s lives, and these portrayals may leave you feeling inadequate.
2. Go outside. Yes, I know it’s cold, wear a coat. Fresh air and sunlight can do wonders.
3. Exercise! This does not need to be a run or one of the million HIIT workouts online, just walk. A 5 minute walk is 5 minutes of exercise you were not doing before
4. Eat healthfully and mindfully. Nutrition plays an important part in your well-being. If you provide your body with the proper nutrients, you will feel physically and mentally better.
5. Prioritize sleep. Sleep always gets pushed off for other things, but it is extremely important as it provides your body with needed rest and energy for the next day. Aim for at least 7 hours a night.
6. Practice self-care. As cliché as it sounds, practicing self-care through taking time off to relax will help you reach new levels of inner calm. That could be through watching Netflix, taking a warm bath, reading an intriguing book, or even just lying in bed.
7. Reach out to someone. I tend to isolate myself both physically and online when I am depressed. Reaching out to a friend, coworker, or family member may be just what either of you need right now. Loneliness often breeds more loneliness.
8. Talk to a therapist. Therapy is more accessible now than ever with online services being normalized. Despite the somewhat lingering stigma around seeing someone for mental health, it can be a difference between life and death for some people.
Before I close, I would like to iterate that while I am not ok right now, I will be. I am working with a therapist and have somewhat of a support network, so please do not worry about me.
To the person reading this who is struggling right now, your pain is justified. It is ok to not be ok. Let’s begin normalizing honesty and authenticity rather than facades formed to please societal expectations.
If you need someone to talk to or have any questions, do not hesitate to reach out to me. Also, let me know if this post resonated with you, and share with others who may find it helpful!
Please take care of yourselves!