The Path to Finding Yourself and Loving Yourself
For my last two posts, I did a series on ways to transform your body (fat loss and muscle building). While I briefly mentioned the importance of self-love, I figured it was something that should be discussed in a full post. Self-love as a concept seems simple, but it is easier said than done. Most people tend to talk to themselves worse than they would talk to any other person. Things like social media and diet culture may generate feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. Constant societal pressures to look an ideal way undermine most people’s confidence. The challenges go on and on. In this post, I will discuss what self-love means, the importance of self-discovery, my journey towards these things, and ways to get started on your own path.
What is self-love?
Defining self-love is almost as difficult as finding it. To me, self-love is the ability to accept who you are in the present moment, forgive yourself for your imperfections, and treat your mind and body with the utmost respect. Self-love is being content with your own company, and not relying on others to give you a sense of worth. Self-love is knowing that at the end of the day, you are the only person who you will spend every minute of every day with. Self-love is feeling genuine happiness for each of your accomplishments no matter how small. Self-love is unconditionally supporting yourself with every thought and action.
What about self-discovery?
If you don’t know yourself, it is very difficult to love yourself. Self-discovery is the process of truly comprehending yourself in each and every way, regardless of the presence of others. It’s the journey you will need to take to find self-love and to achieve the level of self-actualization as described on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. When you know yourself, you will know how and why you will react to certain situations, predict stumbling blocks, and determine your purpose.
My journey of self-discovery
If you asked me a year ago whether or not I loved myself, I would not have been able to provide a clear-cut answer. Last year, I loved myself only some of the time—most often when I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. If I overate one day, I would berate myself and then go into a day of self-punishment by trying to under-eat to make up for it. If I felt too tired to do much, I would feel guilty for taking time off. If one of my online dates didn’t pan out, I would brainstorm a list of the things I did “wrong” for that to have happened.
Over the past year through the “convenience” of this pandemic, I took the time to truly get to know myself and grow as a person. I surrounded myself with positive influences through listening to podcasts and self-help audiobooks. I began to exercise for the enjoyment of exercise rather than burning calories. I started to look for ways to care for myself rather than blindly signing up for projects and suffering under self-generated stress. I took time to create rituals for my mornings and bedtimes, focusing on how I could be the most energized for the days ahead. I focused on building my own projects rather than watching others do things in envy.
The one thing I didn’t realize before finding myself was that weight loss didn’t do this. I had long believed that once I lost weight, I would suddenly love myself and be happy. I thought that miraculously, changing my physical appearance would somehow transform my mental health for the better. As I am typing this out, I’m realizing just how ridiculous this sounds. When I lost the weight, I was just smaller and still unsatisfied with my life. It took putting in the work to come to the roots of my issues before I was able to accept who I was and exist happily.
Today, I am almost a completely different person than I was a year ago despite being the same weight. I enjoy spending time working on myself and the time I have alone is no longer the end of the world. I have found my purpose in life and work towards it every day.
How To Get Started (in no particular order)
Here are 10 ways to get started on your journey to self-discovery and self-love. Choose a few that resonate with you and start working through them.
1. Learn to appreciate your imperfections
Nobody’s perfect! Until you can accept the things that make you imperfect, you will have a hard time truly loving yourself. Let go of the toxic perfectionism that is so prevalent in today’s society.
2. Discover what self-care truly means to you
Take some time to figure out what you truly enjoy doing to wind down. Maybe it’s singing, taking a shower, watching a movie, writing, sleeping, or something else. Whatever your true wind-down activity is, prioritize it daily in an act of self-care. You deserve time for yourself. You are the only person with the power to make yourself happy.
3. Forgive yourself when you have a bad day
I discussed this one in much more depth in my post a few weeks ago. It’s important to accept that you had a bad day and move on rather than dwell on everything that could’ve been better.
4. Accept where you are right now
Maybe you have some weight to lose or muscle to gain. Before embarking on a journey to “fix” this, it is important to accept and love yourself where you’re at. Self-loathing is never a great motivator for change, and it will only backfire in the end. It is perfectly reasonable to love yourself and want to change something about yourself to support your personal ideal image.
5. Embrace opportunities for growth
Look forward to growing. Once you’ve accepted where you are right now and appreciate that you’re not perfect, then you’re ready to be open to changing yourself for the better. Adopt a growth mindset and look for the ways you can improve your current circumstances.
6. Get comfortable alone
If you’re single, embrace being single for a while. If you’re in a relationship, take some time to be alone. Get used to your own company. Spend time with your thoughts—without any sort of distractions—and get to know where your mind tends to wander. Once you can be comfortable with your own thoughts, you are secure enough to pour your energy into others.
7. Seek out a therapist
I think everyone should get a therapist. They should be able to help you work through your past traumas and discover the way you came to be yourself today.
8. Let go of past grudges
If you’ve been holding on to an old rivalry or trivial argument for several years, it is time to move on. Accept that the situation happened, but don’t allow it to continue making you feel bitter about a certain thing or person. Once you make amends with things, you should have mental clarity to move forward.
9. Take responsibility for your shortcomings
If you make a mistake, own up to it. You don’t know everything and you can’t do everything. It’s useless to try to pretend that you’re perfect. Now, more than ever, you must take responsibility if someone calls you out for what you’ve said or done. If you cannot do this, there is still more self-growth that needs to happen.
10. Find your sense of purpose
What’s your reason for living? Why do you wake up each day? Finding your purpose enables you to walk in your purpose with every step on your path. If you have a sense of purpose, it will be much easier to love yourself.
Additionally, here is a list of self-help books I recommend and podcasts that cover mindset that I currently listen to:
Books:
The Gifts of Imperfection- Brené Brown
The 5 Love Languages- Gary Chapman
Atomic Habits- James Clear
Better Than Before- Gretchen Rubin
The Four Tendencies- Gretchen Rubin
The Happiness Project- Gretchen Rubin
Podcasts:
Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Food Heaven
Balanced Black Girl
Therapy for Black Girls
We Only Look Thin
I hope this post can help you get started on your journey of self-discovery and self-love. If any of this resonated with you, please let me know and share with someone else. Next week, I’ll write about my experience tackling needle phobia to get my COVID-19 vaccine. Let me know if there are any topics you think I should cover in a future post.